


wild and whirling words: hamlet in texts

by planet_plantagenet



Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, Retelling, Screenplay/Script Format, Texting, all the content warnings for the original hamlet apply here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-11 13:33:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 10,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11149473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/planet_plantagenet/pseuds/planet_plantagenet
Summary: Hamlet, but everyone has smartphones. Inspired by OMG Shakespeare's "srsly hamlet" but written by someone who actually knows how people text.I had to change some small parts of Hamlet's plot to make it compatible with the texting format, and I did cut some stuff, but overall I'm trying to make it faithful to the original text! It's proved an interesting challenge to translate Hamlet's early modern English into something so contemporary.I also apologize for the lack of emojis... ao3 doesn't let me add them :(





	1. 1.1

**1.1 – A group chat named “Watch Squad” between Marcellus, Bernardo, and Francisco.**

 

_ Bernardo added Horatio to the conversation. _

_ Today 11:55 PM. _

 

BERNARDO

Hey Horatio!

Wanna come watch with us?

Maybe we’ll see some more ghosts ;)

 

HORATIO

not tonight, sorry—i’ve got work.

and you know how i feel about ghosts.

 

BERNARDO

K

We’ll tell you if anything cool happens

 

HORATIO

who’s the other number in the chat?

 

FRANCISCO

That’s me, Francisco

 

HORATIO

ok cool, i’ll add you to my contacts.

 

MARCELLUS

Soooooo, this ghost

We saw it twice. It’s totally real

Trust us ok

 

HORATIO

...right

 

MARCELLUS

No really!

 

BERNARDO

Wait shit

Marcellus where are you

I think you should come over here right now

 

MARCELLUS

Oh brb

 

HORATIO

???

guys what’s going on?

 

MARCELLUS

Holy crap I think that’s the ghost

 

HORATIO

??????

take a picture???

 

BERNARDO

Wait the picture isn’t sending

Idk if I have enough signal

You better come down here Horatio

 

HORATIO

idk, i don’t want to abandon my work.

 

BERNARDO

IT’S A GHOST. IT’S MORE IMPORTANT THAN WORK

 

HORATIO

ok ok, coming !

 

_ Today 12:16 AM _

 

FRANCISCO

Wait guys, did you actually see a real ghost?

 

HORATIO

yeah

 

FRANCISCO

Like, a legit ghost?

 

HORATIO

it was pretty legit, if that’s the word you want to use...

 

FRANCISCO

You gonna tell Hamlet?

 

HORATIO

i think we’d better.


	2. 1.2

**1.2 – A group chat named “Elsinore” between Claudius, Gertrude, Hamlet, Laertes, Polonius, and Ophelia.**

 

CLAUDIUS

Hey everyone, how did you like my speech? :)

 

GERTRUDE

Lovely! Very fitting xxx

 

CLAUDIUS

Did you have something you wanted to ask me about, Laertes?

 

LAERTES

oh yeahh

about going back to france

can i?

 

POLONIUS

Laertes! Remember what I told you about maintaining proper spelling, grammar, capitalization, and punctuation in text messaging!

 

LAERTES

yeah yeah w/e

so um. can i like. go to france?

 

CLAUDIUS

What does Polonius say?

 

POLONIUS

I allow it, your majesty -- despite my son’s textual impoliteness.

 

LAERTES

oh my god dad stoppp

 

CLAUDIUS

Right! Well, then, that’s settled.

Now, for Hamlet. Where is he?

 

HAMLET

here

 

CLAUDIUS

No, where are you in the castle?

 

HAMLET

i don’t think i want to tell you that

 

CLAUDIUS

Hmm. Well, we wanted to discuss a couple things with you.

 

HAMLET

well you should probably do that in the family chat then

 

**A group chat named “The Family” between Hamlet, Claudius, and Gertrude.**

 

HAMLET

ok what’s up

 

GERTRUDE

First of all we wanted to discuss your clothing choices

 

HAMLET

wtf

what’s wrong with my “““clothing choices”””

 

GERTRUDE

They’re much too dark and moody.

 

HAMLET

well maybe that reflects my sOUL

 

CLAUDIUS

I think there are much more important things at hand. First of all, Hamlet, your father’s death. I personally don’t approve of the way you’ve been mourning.

 

HAMLET

are you fucking kidding me

 

GERTRUDE

Language!

 

CLAUDIUS

It is, of course, sweet and commendable to mourn, but at some point it becomes too much. It’s… unmanly, for lack of a better word. Man up, Hamlet.

It’s time to move beyond your father’s death!

 

HAMLET

i think not

 

GERTRUDE

I think this conversation is going nowhere.

This is what happens when we talk over text instead of face-to-face.

 

CLAUDIUS

We have one more request. Instead of going back to Wittenberg immediately, stay with us for a while.

 

HAMLET

...fine

 

GERTRUDE

What a loving and fair reply!

 

**The draft of a Tumblr post, with all text beneath a cut. Hamlet’s tumblr url is shxdowprince.**

 

well fuck i want to die again :))))

 

  * my dad’s gone
  * my douche of an uncle has married my mom
  * my mom is somehow happy about this
  * neither of them are mourning
  * I’M MOURNING
  * but
  * they want me to stop
  * it sucks
  * i honestly have no idea why my mom would chose my uncle over my dad
  * nothing good is gonna come out of this
  * so
  * yeah



 

 

**A chat between Hamlet and Horatio.**

 

HORATIO

hey hamlet, guess what!

i just arrived at elsinore :)

 

HAMLET

!!!!!

YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU WERE COMING

WHAT HORATIO

AHHHHHH

why are you here and not at school??

 

HORATIO

ahh, well, i skipped to see you,

 

HAMLET

ahahahah

no you didn’t you wouldn’t skip school you nerd

 

HORATIO

then i guess i came to see your dad’s funeral.

 

HAMLET

……...or my mother’s wedding hmm

 

HORATIO

one or the other.

anyway, i have something important to tell you—i’m in the lobby if you want to come see me.

 

HAMLET

!!

tell me now

 

HORATIO

well um

speaking of your father,

i think i saw him last night.

 

HAMLET

what

 

HORATIO

…your dad’s ghost kinda turned up.

 

HAMLET

what the fuck

 

HORATIO

yeah…

come down to the lobby—marcellus and bernardo can help me describe it.

i think it’d be best if we explained in person.

 

HAMLET

hell yeah i’m coming rn


	3. 1.3

**1.3 – A group chat named “Polonius’ Family” between Laertes, Ophelia, and Polonius.**

 

LAERTES

umm ophelia sorry to be annoying

but there’s a Thing about hamlet

 

OPHELIA

?

 

LAERTES

he says he loves you now

but idk if itll always be that way yknow

i dont think you can trust him exactly

 

OPHELIA

Why not?

 

LAERTES

mmm well hes the the prince of denmark

thats a lot of responsibility

the health & safety of the entire country depends on his choices

or will depend

also like

i wouldnt trust him if he says he loves you

bc what if he doesnt right? thatd be bad and would make you look stupid

 

OPHELIA

You sound like you speak from experience lol

 

LAERTES

shhhh

anyway

yknow,, Chastity is Good

dont have sex w him basically

 

OPHELIA

Dude you don’t need to police my sexuality

 

LAERTES

ok ok

just telling you to be careful

 

POLONIUS

Laertes! I’m here now. Before you leave for France, I have some important lessons for you.

 

LAERTES

yknow well still be able to text when im in france right

 

POLONIUS

The most important lesson is: punctuate your text messages!

 

LAERTES

asdfglsnbeuslkj

 

POLONIUS

I have a Word document for you. I suggest you read through all of my advice.

 

_ Polonius sent a document. _

 

LAERTES

k ill do that when i can

brb packing

 

POLONIUS

Brb? What new acronym is this?

 

OPHELIA

It means “be right back”

 

POLONIUS

Ah, Ophelia. What were you and Laertes discussing?

 

OPHELIA

…read the chat logs

 

POLONIUS

I don’t know how to do that.

 

OPHELIA

Just scroll up

 

POLONIUS

Ah. I see.

I too thought you and Hamlet were getting a little too familiar.

 

OPHELIA

It’s nothing to get concerned about

Really it’s just a little thing

 

POLONIUS

That’s exactly what concerns me. That suggests you’re not taking it seriously.

 

OPHELIA

But I am!

 

POLONIUS

Whatever. I don’t want you talking with Hamlet anymore. Is that clear?

 

OPHELIA

Wait what

You

Can’t do that

 

POLONIUS

It’s for your own safety. I don’t think you’re ready to make significant relationship choices. Therefore, I’m making them for you.

 

OPHELIA

Are you kidding me

That isn’t fair!

 

POLONIUS

I’m your father. I know what’s best for you.

 

OPHELIA

But Hamlet shows no sign of being untrustworthy

Or anything like that

...dad?

Where did you go

Ughhh


	4. 1.4

**1.4 – A chat between Hamlet and Horatio.**

 

HAMLET

wow it’s cold as hell out here

 

HORATIO

I thought hell was hot.

 

HAMLET

no, the bottom of hell is cold

read dante’s inferno

you’ll understand

 

HORATIO

Ok

Wait, why are you still typing lowercase? Aren’t you on your phone?

 

HAMLET

yes

i changed my phone settings so it doesn’t auto capitalize

for the ~aesthetic~

 

HORATIO

...ok

Where are you? I’m in the main courtyard and I don’t see you.

 

HAMLET

oh i’m in the back

 

HORATIO

K, I’ll come find you

The ghost should be here any sec… it’s almost 12…

 

HAMLET

yeah

oh sHIT THERE IT IS

WOW THAT IS A LEGIT GHOST

I THINK

EITHER THAT OR A DEMON IDEK

 

HORATIO

Omg Hamlet are you ok??

Is it attempting to communicate?

Hamlet where are you ???

 

HAMLET

wait a sec

i just got a text from an unknown number

it just says “mark me”

 

HORATIO

??

 

HAMLET

wait

“i am thy father’s spirit” wtf

 

HORATIO

Hang on. Is it possible that the ghost is able to tap into the internet or something?

Maybe it can’t speak, so it’s using your phone to communicate.

 

HAMLET

idek

“doom'd for a certain term to walk the night and for the day confined to fast in fires till the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away”

why does this sound like early modern english

 

HORATIO

Maybe ghosts just speak fancy or something?

Anyway, I wouldn’t answer it.

 

HAMLET

why not??

it’s my DAD

 

HORATIO

You don’t know that.

Hold on, I’m trying to find you…

 

HAMLET

whatever i’m answering anyway

 

HORATIO

I don’t think this is a good idea…

...hamlet?


	5. 1.5

**1.5 – A chat between Hamlet and an unknown number (the Ghost).**

 

GHOST

mark me

i am thy father’s spirit

doom'd for a certain term to walk the night and for the day confined to fast in fires till the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away

 

HAMLET

...ok

so wait

you’re the ghost of my dad???

what do you want?

 

GHOST

list, list, o, list!

if thou didst ever thy dear father love

revenge his foul and most unnatural murder

 

HAMLET

what the fuck

 

GHOST

murder most foul, as in the best it is

 

HAMLET

i am so confused rn -- you were murdered??

i am internally freaking out rn

wait a sec. who killed you??

 

GHOST

know, thou noble youth, the serpent that did sting thy father’s life now wears his crown

 

HAMLET

claudius???

i mean i assume that’s who you mean

you’re being really cryptic

 

GHOST

ay, that incestuous, that adulterate beast, with witchcraft of his wit, with traitorous gifts, won to his shameful lust the will of my most seeming-virtuous queen!

 

HAMLET

gertrude?? yeah i thought that was p shady too

so um. how did you die?

if i may ask

 

GHOST

sleeping within my orchard, my custom always of the afternoon, upon my secure hour thy uncle stole, with juice of cursed hebenon in a vial, and in the porches of my ears did pour the leperous distilment

 

HAMLET

he….put poison…...in your ear……..

 

GHOST

thus was i, sleeping, by a brother's hand, of life, of crown, of queen, at once dispatch'd

 

HAMLET

ok i am having trouble processing this sorry

and you want me to do what? revenge you right?

 

GHOST

if thou hast nature in thee, bear it not

let not the royal bed of denmark be a couch for luxury and damned incest

 

HAMLET

you mean like,, kill claudius??

 

GHOST

ay

but, howsoever thou pursuest this act, taint not thy mind, nor let thy soul contrive against thy mother aught

leave her to heaven, and to those thorns that in her bosom lodge to prick and sting her

 

HAMLET

k

but wow

killing claudius

i mean

tbh it’s not like that wasn’t a possibility in the back of my mind?? but it just seems pretty drastic written out like that

 

GHOST

hamlet

remember me

 

HAMLET

of course i’ll remember you

who would forget something like this??

wait where are you going

come back, wait

...shit.

well.

i knew claudius was up to something

and gertrude too

what a whore

revenge is sounding like a pretty good idea tbh

 

 

**A chat between Hamlet and Horatio.**

 

HORATIO

Hamlet I’m getting extremely worried…

 

HAMLET

ok ok i’m here

 

HORATIO

Where??

 

HAMLET

nvm i’ll come find you

 

HORATIO

So what happened? Is it a real ghost??

 

HAMLET

swear you won’t tell anyone???

 

HORATIO

Of course I won’t!

 

HAMLET

you sure?? really???

 

HORATIO

Yes!

 

HAMLET

good

 

HORATIO

Then… is the ghost your dad?

 

HAMLET

...yep

 

HORATIO

Holy shit

 

HAMLET

ikr

essentially there’s a lot of shit going down in denmark rn

 

HORATIO

No surprises there.

Hamlet, this whole ghost business is really strange….

 

HAMLET

there are more things in heaven and earth, horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy

 

HORATIO

Wow, that’s really poetic

 

HAMLET

guess i got it from the ghost lol

anyway

my plan is to pretend to be crazy so claudius doesn’t suspect me of anything

 

HORATIO

No offense, but that’s a terrible plan.

 

HAMLET

shhh it’s a great plan

i get to freak out my uncle

hey i think i see you—are you the one waving by the huge tree?

 

HORATIO

Yeah that’s me!

 

HAMLET

awesome! coming


	6. 2.1

**2.1 – A chat between Polonius and Reynaldo.**

 

POLONIUS

How is Laertes behaving himself, Reynaldo?

 

REYNALDO

We’re not even in France yet

We’re in the airport

 

POLONIUS

Make sure you watch him closely.

 

REYNALDO

Sure

 

POLONIUS

And make sure he doesn’t do anything suspicious.

 

REYNALDO

Like what?

 

POLONIUS

Gambling, drinking, fencing, swearing, quarrelling, et cetera. Also make sure that you ask his friends and peers how he behaves himself.

 

REYNALDO

That seems a little creepy tbh

No offense

 

POLONIUS

It’s for his own protection.

 

REYNALDO

K if you say so boss

 

 

**A chat between Ophelia and Polonius.**

 

OPHELIA

Dad, hamlet is acting kinda weirdly

 

POLONIUS

Is he?! Tell me!

 

OPHELIA

He turned up in my room

And just stared at me

For a long time

Not blinking

Looking kinda dishevelled too

 

POLONIUS

Did he say anything?

 

OPHELIA

Nah, just grabbed my wrist, stared at me

Sighed a lot

It was hella weird

 

POLONIUS

Ah! He must be in love with you!

 

OPHELIA

How the hell did you come to that conclusion..???

 

POLONIUS

Don’t be rude. Young boys often do strange things for love.

Have you stopped talking with him, as I told you?

 

OPHELIA

Yeah

And texting too

 

POLONIUS

That’s it. That’s made him mad.

As much as it pains me to admit it, I was wrong: I should never have forbade you to speak with him.

 

OPHELIA

Well...I’m glad you’ll admit that much

But I still don’t think his “love” has anything to do with his

Um

Mental health problems

I think he just needs a therapist

 

POLONIUS

I’ll text the king immediately.


	7. 2.2 (pt 1)

**2.2 – A group chat named “Hamlet Undercover Interrogation Squad” between Claudius, Gertrude, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern (hereafter Rose and Gill).**

 

CLAUDIUS

I’m so glad to hear the two of you are on board with this plan.

May I call you Rose and Gill?

 

ROSE

yeah thats fine!!

so has hamlet rlly gone like,,crazy ??

 

CLAUDIUS

As far as we can tell, yes.

 

ROSE

damn thats p bad :((

hope we can help !!!

 

GILL

Happy 2 help as always :D

 

CLAUDIUS

I’m going to add Polonius to the chat.

He seems to have some good information!

 

_ Claudius added Polonius to the conversation. _

 

POLONIUS

I do believe I have found the cause of Hamlet’s lunacy!

 

CLAUDIUS

Oh good! Let’s hear.

 

POLONIUS

I will be brief.

First of all, I must say that I am a very reliable source when it comes to this type of information. I am very good at observing people and gleaning what afflicts them, so to speak. I’ve even read a book or two on mental illness—fascinating stuff. Given all my prior knowledge, and taking into account my constant reliability as your advisor, confidant, and loyal courtier, I hope that you trust my judgement when I tell you in plain truth—your son is mad.

 

CLAUDIUS

Is there anything else?

 

POLONIUS

Of course, we must first define madness. What is madness, but to be nothing else but mad? It is a strange semantic problem. But let that go. Hamlet’s mental state is truly pitiful. The mind of a struggling teen is a turbulent place.

 

CLAUDIUS

Yes, but what is the cause of his madness?

 

POLONIUS

Now remains that we find out the cause of this effect, or rather say, the cause of this defect, for this effect defective comes by cause!

Yes, I was coming to that.

I have, shall we say, obtained an e-mail from Hamlet to Ophelia, including a snippet of his horrendous attempts at poetry:

“Doubt thou the stars are fire; / Doubt that the sun doth move; / Doubt truth to be a liar; / But never doubt I love.”

 

GERTRUDE

Ooh, how romantic -- I love the Elizabethan prose!

 

POLONIUS

However, after discovering this, say, “hot love” between my daughter and Hamlet, I forbade her to speak with him. It seems that she has done this, which has now made Hamlet mad.

 

CLAUDIUS

What do you think, Gertrude? Is this the cause of Hamlet’s insanity?

 

GERTRUDE

Possibly -- we should gather more evidence though.

 

CLAUDIUS

Good idea.

 

POLONIUS

I believe we should observe an encounter between Hamlet and Ophelia.

 

GERTRUDE

Spy on them?

 

POLONIUS

No, observe. I have, shall we say, persuaded Ophelia to give me the password to her iMessage account. I will ask her to message Hamlet, and afterwards we can read the texts.

 

GERTRUDE

I still don’t completely like the sound of that.

 

CLAUDIUS

We’ll try it.

If it benefits Hamlet, it’ll be worth it.

 

POLONIUS

Good!

I will text Hamlet right away.

 

 

**A chat between Hamlet and Polonius.**

 

POLONIUS

Hamlet! Where are you?

 

HAMLET

somewhereeeeeee who knowwwws !

 

POLONIUS

What are you doing?

 

HAMLET

reading shit

 

POLONIUS

What kind of… stuff?

 

HAMLET

wORds, WoRdS, woRDS

;) ;)

eyyy i know you yOUre A fiSHmoNger

 

POLONIUS

No, I’m not.

 

HAMLET

fishy~~~~

daMm boi i do like them fishies 11/10

 

POLONIUS

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

 

HAMLET

dO yOu hAvE a dAUg h Ter?

 

POLONIUS

I do.

 

HAMLET

shes hot

legs so hot u fry an egg

that’s some good shit riGHt tHErE :))))

 

POLONIUS

You are most certainly crazy.

 

HAMLET

a cactus??? in polonius’ asshole???? it’s more likely than u think! free pc check

 

POLONIUS

I’m going to stop talking to you now.

 

HAMLET

k sweaty :)))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that "a cactus??? in polonius’ asshole???? it’s more likely than u think! free pc check" is one of the best lines I've ever written tbh


	8. 2.2 (pt 2)

**A group chat named “Wittenberg Pals :D” between Rose, Gill, and Hamlet.**

 

ROSE

hey hamlet !! it;s really cool to see u omg

 

GILL

Yah we’re almost at elsinore! were on the train rn

 

HAMLET

oh hey r&g!! didn’t know you guys were coming over

that’s cool

wow we haven’t used this chat in forever

so why are you here in this prison?

 

GILL

Prison ???

 

HAMLET

denmark’s a prison

 

ROSE

is it ? i dont think so rlly

 

HAMLET

idk i think it’s a prison

 

ROSE

ok we can agree 2 disagree then !!

 

HAMLET

nothing’s good or bad, but thinking makes it so~~

 

ROSE

well said !!

 

HAMLET

k then, now that we’ve got that sorted—how come you’re coming to elsinore?

 

GILL

Visiting you :D

 

ROSE

yeah !! no other reason rlly :D

 

HAMLET

nahh i think you have a reason

y’know what i think? i think someone sent for you

is that right?

 

GILL

Um…..what should we say

 

HAMLET

...whether or not you were sent for

anything?

no?

well your silence itself is kinda like a confession

 

ROSE

um,, yeah,,, youre right we were sent for

 

GILL

:(

 

HAMLET

it’s bc of my depression right?

 

ROSE

?

 

HAMLET

well everything is shitty and i wanna die

even beautiful things are shitty

also talking with other people is shitty

only sometimes though… you guys are cool

 

ROSE

oh no i know wht depression is,,

thats sad tho :(((

 

GILL

Oooh hey Hamlet ik what’ll cheer you up!

 

HAMLET

nothing can cheer me up

we can’t all be neurotypical karen

 

GILL

I dont get it

But anyway, we heard that a bunch of people from the Royal Society of Players were coming here!!!

They got permission from claudius

 

HAMLET

!!!!

i love those guys omg

actually that does cheer me up somewhat!!

when are they arriving?

 

GILL

Very soon!

Before us at least

 

HAMLET

can’t wait!! it’s gonna be fantastic!

brb

ooh one more thing

about the whole Hamlet Is Mad thing

i’m only mad north-north-west

when the wind is southerly i know a hawk from a handsaw ;)))))

byeeeee

 

ROSE

???

 

 

**A chat between Hamlet and Polonius.**

 

POLONIUS

Hamlet, if you can understand me, I have some news that you will like.

 

HAMLET

about the players?

 

POLONIUS

How did you know that?!

 

HAMLET

i hAvE mY wAyS~~

i’ve known for d a y s actually

 

POLONIUS

Well, the Royal Society of Players is here! Now! I suggest you come down from wherever you’ve been lurking and greet them!

 

HAMLET

yes yes

 

 

**A chat between Hamlet and the First Player, who is named “the REAL King” in Hamlet’s contacts.**

 

HAMLET

dude i loved your speech so much

priam & pyrrhus & hecuba

that one always gets me

 

PLAYER

Ahh I’m so glad you enjoyed it… one of my fave speeches too!

 

HAMLET

what play are you gonna perform for the court?

or can i request something?

 

PLAYER

Go ahead and request whatever you like

Must be a tragedy tho!

Blood, love, and rhetoric is what we do ;)

 

HAMLET

the play i was thinking of has all three!

the murder of gonzago

do you know it?

 

PLAYER

Oooh yes that is a good one

We’ll get on it immediately!

 

 

**The draft of another Tumblr post of Hamlet’s, with all text beneath a cut.**

 

my old friend the player king turned up and performed a speech for me today… it was really good but it made me think

how does he have so much… passion??

it doesn’t make sense

there were literal tears coming out of his eyes

and all for nothing! for hecuba!

i guess it’s all a part of acting right? but it concerns me that an actor is more emotional over a fictional character than i am over stuff that’s happening in real life

er like

i am emotional

but i do nothing about it??

i just talk and talk and tALK AND DO NOTHING

what if my friend the player had gone through all that i’ve gone through, and seen all that i’ve seen. the ghost. claudius. everything. he’d act! he’d drown the stage in tears! he’d have a real reason to cry then!

and yet i still do nothing!!!

all this horrible stuff has happened to ME, not HIM!

am i a coward?

fucking hell i HAVE TO KILL CLAUDIUS BUT I CAN’T

I DONT KNOW

my ghost dad told me to and now i have to aVENGE HIM ahhasjlslhabalhvlkj

i should be going to do that now?? not typing about it????

 

oooooooh wait a sec.

i know why i can’t revenge him yet

it’s because i only have the ghost’s word to go on. the ghost… might not be my real dad. idk. i need some better evidence

um

like what

ohhhh

the play???

if i can tweak the play a little bit to make it more like the murder of my dad, and show it to claudius, he’ll be like…...guilty or something

or at least uncomfortable

idk it sounds really stupid but can’t hurt to try!


	9. 3.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now we have... *sigh* the "get thee to a nunnery" scene. this was painful to write.  
> (content warning for misogyny)
> 
> also "to be or not to be" was pretty hard to translate because of its nuance/ambiguity...

**3.1 – The “Hamlet Undercover Interrogation Squad” chat between Claudius, Gertrude, Rose, Gill, and Polonius.**

 

CLAUDIUS

Rose & Gill.

Did you figure anything out about Hamlet’s madness?

 

ROSE

ummm,,

only a very little bit !

 

GILL

Ya he said that he’s depressed

 

ROSE

and everythings sh*tty

 

GERTRUDE

Did you talk to him in person at all when you arrived?

 

GILL

Yea but we didnt learn anything new

He said some weird stuff bout nutshells n dreams n stuff

Then we told him bout the players

 

ROSE

he was really happy then !!

he likes the players :D

 

CLAUDIUS

Aha yes!

We’re seeing a performance of the players’ in a couple days.

I’m very glad that this has cheered him up.

 

ROSE

yeahh us too !!

 

POLONIUS

I’m going to ask Ophelia to text Hamlet in a couple minutes. Hopefully we’ll learn something from that.

 

 

**The draft of another Tumblr post of Hamlet’s, with all text beneath a cut.**

 

ok but what is death anyway???

i talk about it a lot but like….. what is it

is it like sleep?

maybe there are… dreams??

no way who am i kidding there are no dreams in death

ok so what’s so great about it huh?

well

if your life is shit, death is an escape

it’s just so easy to let go

who would bear scorn, heartbreak, trauma, betrayal, etc when you can just… die

(who would bear horrible people when you can just…kill them?)

but

well,

because what’s after death?

w h a t

idk

it’s unknown and that’s scary

it could be really good, but it could also be really really bad

and if it’s bad, you can’t go back, can you

then wouldn’t it be better to bear known horrors in life than unknown horrors in death??

and

is it bad to kill yourself

is it bad to… kill someone else?

this is all very confusing

well. looks like i’m back to talking and not acting. fml.

can't i just kill claudius already.

oh wait ophelia’s texting me

 

 

**A chat between Hamlet and Ophelia.**

 

OPHELIA

Hey

 

HAMLET

hey

 

OPHELIA

What’s up?

 

HAMLET

eh nothing really

 

OPHELIA

I think we need to talk

About our relationship

 

HAMLET

hahahahahahha

 

OPHELIA

??

 

HAMLET

we never had a relationship what are you talking about

 

OPHELIA

Uh I’m pretty sure we did

*do

 

HAMLET

...i did love you once

 

OPHELIA

So you made me believe…

 

HAMLET

hmm, well, you shouldn’t have believed me

i didn’t love you

 

OPHELIA

Wtf

 

HAMLET

yknow what would be a fantastic place for you to go? a nunnery

 

OPHELIA

Wait why a nunnery

You’re being hella confusing hamlet

 

HAMLET

so that you can stop being such a fucking whore

sooooo… a nunnery could help with that

 

OPEHLIA

Are you actually kidding me right now

I can’t believe you would act like this

 

HAMLET

welp you shouldn’t believe me. i suck

i’m very proud, revengeful, ambitious, offensive, and i talk about doing things instead of dOING THE GODDAMN THING

anyway i’m a terrible person and you need to get as far away from me as possible!!

maybe as far as… the nearest nunnery!

yknow even a church would do

 

OPHELIA

You’re making no sense & making me super uncomfortable. Please stop

 

HAMLET

oh and another thing

don’t marry anyone

i mean, idk why anyone would want to marry such a slut but

 

OPHELIA

Shut up. I’m not a fucking slut.

 

HAMLET

yes you are

god all the women in my life are terrible

women in general kinda suck too

anyway you need to go to church

or a nunnery

w/e

 

OPHELIA

????

I know you’re not in a good mental health state right now but that really hurt

Hamlet?

Where did you go

Gahhhhhh

 

 

**The “Hamlet Undercover Interrogation Squad” chat between Claudius, Gertrude, Rose, Gill, and Polonius.**

 

POLONIUS

Here are the screenshots Ophelia sent me!

 

_Polonius sent a photo._

 

CLAUDIUS

Wait

That isn’t love, Polonius.

That’s misogyny.

 

POLONIUS

Well, whatever it is, I believe it’s contributing to Hamlet’s madness. Possibly his mental state sprung from neglected love.

 

CLAUDIUS

Maybe. Either way, Hamlet needs a break from Elsinore.

 

GERTRUDE

Perhaps we could send him on vacation!

 

ROSE

oooh !! we’d be happy 2 take hamlet somewhere !!

 

CLAUDIUS

How about England?

 

GERTRUDE

Sounds good to me.

 

POLONIUS

Your majesty, I have another plan. I believe we should observe an encounter between Hamlet and his mother.

 

GERTRUDE

Why me?

 

CLAUDIUS

Ah, perhaps so that we can judge the extent of his misogyny?

 

GERTRUDE

I don’t want to be on the receiving end of that.

 

POLONIUS

It’s necessary that we learn more about Hamlet’s madness before sending him to England.

 

CLAUDIUS

I agree. We’ll discuss the plan after the play.


	10. 3.2 (pt 1)

**3.2 – A chat between Hamlet and the First Player.**

 

HAMLET

i have some acting advice for you and your troupe

could you relay it to them?

 

PLAYER

Alright

We’re pretty experienced actors tho, so I don’t think we need much advice

 

HAMLET

well i want to give you some anyway!

don’t mouth your lines

don’t move your hands around a lot

don’t be too overdramatic

but don’t be bland either

 

PLAYER

Sorry to interrupt, but I gtg

We’re setting up now

 

HAMLET

oh ok

good luck! break a leg

 

 

**A chat between Hamlet and Horatio.**

 

HAMLET

horatio~!!

the play is starting soon

i don’t see you in the theater

 

HORATIO

yeah, i’m coming! just finishing something up.

i’m going to bring my laptop to the play, so i can work while watching.

 

HAMLET

sounds good

hey horatio

random thought but

you’re the best person i’ve ever known

 

HORATIO

awww, you really think so? i’m flattered.

 

HAMLET

nah i’m not flattering you

i mean it

you’re so resilient and you know exactly what to do in every situation

you’re very logical but also have emotions

but you don’t let your emotions control you, which is good

you’re just

you’re very close to my heart, horatio

 

HORATIO

awww

i love you too, hamlet.

 

HAMLET

!!

that’s really gay :)

 

HORATIO

exactly <3

 

HAMLET

<333

ummm anyway

about the play

i’ve tweaked it a little so that it parallels my dad’s death

make sure you watch claudius

he’ll probably be really guilty

 

HORATIO

wait, is that your plan to test the ghost’s word? idk if that’ll work.

 

HAMLET

well let’s try it and see

oh here comes everyone else! you better come quick.

 

HORATIO

ok, coming!

 

 

**The “Elsinore” chat between Claudius, Gertrude, Hamlet, Laertes, Polonius, and Ophelia.**

 

HAMLET

everyone shut up!! the play's beginning!!

 

GERTUDE

Hamlet, that thing you said to Ophelia was very inappropriate.

 

HAMLET

w/e it was funny

 

OPHELIA

I don’t appreciate jokes about my genitals, thank you very much

 

POLONIUS

You all shouldn’t be texting during the play!

 

OPHELIA

Why is there a dumb show?

 

HAMLET

it’s just the play’s style ig

 

CLAUDIUS

This is a very odd play.

 

HAMLET

it is! what do you think, mom?

 

GERTRUDE

Hmm, the lady is a little too solemn in her promises.

 

HAMLET

ohh, but she’ll keep her word~!

 

POLONIUS

Shhh! I’m trying to watch!

 

CLAUDIUS

It seems a bit offensive to me.

 

HAMLET

they only jest! poison in jest! no offense meant ;)

 

CLAUDIUS

Hmm.

What is the play called? The Murder of Gonzago?

 

HAMLET

yeah, or the mousetrap ;)

ooh! here comes the murderer!

 

POLONIUS

Stop texting! It’s worse than talking!

 

CLAUDIUS

I think this play is a bit much.


	11. 3.2 (pt 2)

**A chat between Hamlet and Horatio.**

 

HAMLET

AHAHAH DID YOU SEE THAT?!??

 

HORATIO

yeah! the king just… stood up!

wait do we all need to go now? the play just… stopped.

 

HAMLET

look how guilty his face is lollll

where are r&g

i have a thing to say to them

 

HORATIO

i think they left. everyone is leaving now…

 

HAMLET

hahah ok i’ll just text them

 

 

**The “Wittenberg Pals :D” chat between Rose, Gill, and Hamlet.**

 

HAMLET

helllloooooo friends~~

 

GILL

Hamlet!

The King isnt v happy w you

 

HAMLET

hmmm in what way?

 

GILL

He’s p angry

Your mom wanted us to text u

 

HAMLET

okayy~!!!

wHA t is Up?

 

ROSE

hamlet, u need to take this srsly !!

 

HAMLET

i cant take u srsly if u keep txting like tht !!

what does my mom say?

 

GILL

Your behavior has astonished her!

 

HAMLET

oH mY !!!

how wOnDeRfuL

 

GILL

Can u pls go speak w her??

Cmon hamlet give me a serious answer

 

HAMLET

i can’t!

 

GILL

Can’t what?

 

HAMLET

give you a serious answer!

my wit’s diseased!!!!

 

ROSE

hamletttt

your mom wants you to speak w her !!

either txt her or go find her in her room

 

HAMLET

ok ok

anything else??

 

ROSE

hamlet,,,,,you were once our friend

 

HAMLET

aren’t i still?

 

ROSE

yah but u keep talking weirdly & making fun of us !!

and u wont tell us whats wrong

 

HAMLET

hmmm

do you guys play any instruments?

 

GILL

Nope

Why is this relevant

 

HAMLET

you sure??

 

GILL

Ya I could never get the hang of music

 

HAMLET

even something as simple as a recorder?

c’mon, weren’t you taught recorder in fourth grade?

 

GILL

Yea but I was rlly bad at it

 

HAMLET

hmmm

but it’s very easy

 

GILL

No but I cant

Why are we talking bout this??

 

HAMLET

welllll

you keep trying to play upon ME

you’d seem to know how to do it pretty well….

am i really more easy to play than a recorder??!?

 

GILL

I…..dont understand u srry

 

HAMLET

ah well

 

 

**A chat between Hamlet and Polonius.**

 

POLONIUS

Hamlet, where are you?! You must text your mother immediately.

 

HAMLET

wOw would yoU L00K at tHat CloUd!!

it looks like a camel :000

 

POLONIUS

I’m inside. There are no clouds.

 

HAMLET

wOW aCtuaLLy I thiNK it L0oks liKe a WeaSel :o

 

POLONIUS

Indeed, a weasel -_-

 

HAMLET

OR A WHALE??????

 

POLONIUS

VERY LIKE A WHALE.

 

HAMLET

i’ll text my mom very soon ;))))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hamlet's conversations with polonius are very fun to write.


	12. 3.3

**3.3 – The “Hamlet Undercover Interrogation Squad” chat between Claudius, Gertrude, Rose, Gill, and Polonius.**

 

CLAUDIUS

That’s it. Hamlet’s going to England.

I don’t think it’s safe to have him here anymore—he keeps growing more and more mad.

 

ROSE

yeah i dont think he’s v sane atm !!

 

GILL

We’ll take him to england immediately!

 

CLAUDIUS

Thanks.

I’ll discuss the details of the trip with you in just a moment.

I also bought you plane tickets.

 

POLONIUS

Sorry to interrupt, your majesty, but Hamlet has not yet texted Gertrude!

 

GILL

Ya we tried to get him to do that but idk if it worked

 

POLONIUS

Gertrude, when he does text you, make sure you send screenshots to me.

 

GERTRUDE

Why not the whole chat?

 

POLONIUS

I believe I should be the first to look at them, since I conceived of the plan.

 

GERTRUDE

That doesn’t seem right.

 

CLAUDIUS

You two figure it out. I’ll brb.

 

 

**An entry in Claudius’ journal.**

 

Dear diary,

Every day I think worse and worse of the crime I committed. Killing my brother? It seems crazy now. That play was just too much to handle. I don’t know whether or not Hamlet knows about what I did, but the play definitely struck the wrong nerve.

Damn it. Now I feel horribly guilty. But I did kill him for a reason! My crown, my ambition, and my queen. All of those are worthy reasons. Aren’t they??

Could I pray it off, perhaps? What would I say? “Forgive me my foul murder?” But is it fair to pray? Other than Hamlet’s madness, everything that’s come out of my brother’s death has been good. May one be pardoned, and retain the offense? I don’t know. I hate the deed, but love the aftermath.

Perhaps I should go pray. It might ease my conscience a little.

 

 

**The draft of another Tumblr post of Hamlet’s, with all text beneath a cut.**

 

fuck. i just had the chance to kill my uncle, and i didn’t take it.

whyyyy

well. he was praying

and if you kill someone while they’re praying they go to heaven right??

i don’t want claudius in heaven

i’ll kill him when he’s doing something sinful instead

is that why i faltered??

idek

maybe i just don’t want to kill him

maybe i just want to forget the ghost ever existed

but i can’t

i can’t

 

...i need to go text my mom now

why have i been putting that off too

well. i’ll speak daggers to her, but use none.

 

wait is that claudius behind the sheet

he is looking super shady

who is he texting

hold on


	13. 3.4

**3.4 – A chat between Gertrude and Polonius.**

 

POLONIUS

I don’t know why he hasn’t texted you yet. He should soon.

 

GERTRUDE

Ok

 

POLONIUS

Make sure you tell him to stop pulling all these… pranks, for lack of a better word.

 

GERTRUDE

I will.

 

POLONIUS

Good. And send me the screenshots when you’re done.

 

GERTRUDE

Fine.

 

POLONIUS

Hmm, why is Hamlet over there on the couch?

I’ll tell him to text you.

Wait, he has a knife!

Can he see me behind the curtain?

Why does he have a knife?!

 

GERTRUDE

Polonius?

Polonius?!?!

What is going on?!

 

 

**A chat between Hamlet and Gertrude.**

 

_ Hamlet sent a photo. _

 

HAMLET

look mom

it’s claudius

 

GERTRUDE

Wait

That's not Claudius

That's Polonius. Under the sheet.

Is he… dead?!

What have you done??

 

HAMLET

fuck it is polonius

and yeah he’s dead

ugHHHH

 

GERTRUDE

Hamlet, this is really bad.

Do you mean to tell me that you were trying to kill my husband?!

 

HAMLET

yeah i saw someone behind the sheet texting and i thought it was claudius so i stabbed the fucking curtain

 

GERTRUDE

Why the hell would you do that

 

HAMLET

idk it was the rush of the moment

but it doesn’t matter

 

GERTRUDE

Hamlet, you’ve killed someone! That’s horrible!

 

HAMLET

almost as bad as killing a king and marrying his brother!

 

GERTRUDE

What?!

I don’t know what you’re talking about, Hamlet.

Where are you?

 

HAMLET

NO, don’t come find me, stay exactly where you are

look at these pictures

 

_ Hamlet sent two photos. _

 

look at these pictures! two brothers. one—your former husband—is beautiful and amazing. and the other—your current husband—is outright disgusting.

how could you choose my uncle over my father??

do you even have eyes???

claudius is a disgusting excuse for a human being, and you know it.

but you’ve just been having sex with him

like the little slut you are

without even considering what you’re doing

 

GERTRUDE

Hamlet! Stop!

 

HAMLET

do you not understand me??

obviously you’ve got some kinda logical judgement

or else you wouldn’t be able to talk with me in a comprehensible manner right

but what judgement would pick my uncle claudius over my dad hamlet?!

 

GERTRUDE

I know you’re still upset about my marriage with Claudius

 

HAMLET

YES, and you know why!!

claudius is a murderer and a villain!

 

_ An unknown number was added to the chat. _

 

oh shit shit

what do you want???

i know you’re here!!

have you come to chastise me for my inaction??

 

GERTRUDE

Hamlet? To whom are you talking?

There’s no one else on this chat. Just us!

 

GHOST

do not forget

this visitation is but to whet thy almost blunted purpose

 

HAMLET

aaaAAAHHH

nononono i don’t want to do it

don’t make me!!

 

GHOST

amazement on thy mother sits

step between her and her fighting soul

 

HAMLET

ahhahahha mom how are you?!?!?

 

GERTRUDE

I’m very disturbed—what’s going on?

 

HAMLET

the unknown number in the chat

don’t you see it??

 

GERTRUDE

No?!

 

_ An unknown number was removed from the chat. _

 

HAMLET

wait

it’s gone

 

GERTRUDE

Hamlet, you’re seeing things!   
This is just part of your madness…

 

HAMLET

NO I’M NOT MAD

but mom

please please please stop sleeping with claudius

it’s bad and wrong

please just repent and it’ll all be ok

i don’t want anything bad to happen to you

 

GERTRUDE

Hamlet…

I don’t know what to say.

 

HAMLET

surely you can see how horrible claudius is

and how it’s just,, immoral to marry your husband’s brother

 

GERTRUDE

This is all so confusing. I’m conflicted.

 

HAMLET

gahh it’s getting late

good night

but!!

do not go to my uncle’s bed

if you don’t sleep with him tonight, it might be…..easier to abstain?!?

aaaahh polonius is just lying there on the other side of the room

i feel terrible now

oh wait one more thing

 

GERTRUDE

Yes?

 

HAMLET

no matter what happens, no matter what claudius says or does to you, you must promise me

that under no circumstances

will you tell him

that i’m not really crazy

i’m just pretending

i’ve been pretending all along

swear to me you won’t tell him that.

 

GERTRUDE

I swear.

 

HAMLET

and also. please don’t send any screenshots from this conversation to claudius.

i know that’s what polonius was planning

please just keep this between us

 

GERTRUDE

I won’t send him anything.

 

HAMLET

thank you.

well.

time to go to england i suppose

 

GERTRUDE

Ah, I’d forgot…

R&G are taking you, right?

 

HAMLET

hahahah my two snakey schoolfellows

(snakey is a word now)

(it means snake-like)

and claudius has something planned, i know

it’s not just a harmless vacation

but, well. it’ll be fun to turn his own plot against him >:)

hmm i should go

gotta dispose of polonius’ body

night mom!!

 

GERTRUDE

Goodnight, Hamlet…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh this scene has so much nuance and i hope i captured it well


	14. 4.1

**4.1 – The “Hamlet Undercover Interrogation Squad” chat between Claudius, Gertrude, Rose, and Gill (and formerly Polonius).**

 

CLAUDIUS

Gertrude? Are you there?!

We haven’t heard from Polonius at all! DX

Did Hamlet text you?

What’s going on?

 

GERTRUDE

Yes, Hamlet texted me

Claudius… Polonius is dead.

Hamlet killed him while Polonius was texting me.

 

ROSE

oh no !!! D:

 

CLAUDIUS

Dead?!

Where is he?

 

GERTRUDE

I don’t know…

Hamlet said he was going to dispose of the body

I don’t know where either are now.

 

CLAUDIUS

He’s getting madder by the day.

 

GERTRUDE

That’s for certain!

 

CLAUDIUS

Send me the screenshots of your conversation.

 

GERTRUDE

It wasn’t much of a conversation!

He’s very clearly insane. There’s nothing else to it.

 

CLAUDIUS

Allright, if you insist.

R&G, try and find Hamlet, and bring the body into the chapel.

Your plane to England leaves tomorrow morning. Be quick!

 

GILL

We will!


	15. 4.2

**4.2 – The “Wittenberg Pals :D” chat between Rose, Gill, and Hamlet.**

 

ROSE

hamlet !! where r u ??

 

GILL

We’ve been looking all over!

Where have u put polonius’s body??

 

HAMLET

hMmMMmm???

the body is with the king, but the king is not with the body~~

 

ROSE

??

pls tell us where the body is !! so we can take it 2 the chapel !!

 

HAMLET

shhhh sponge

 

ROSE

did u just call me,,,a sponge?¿??¿?

 

HAMLET

yes a sponge

that sucks up all of the king’s words

but when he no longer needs your services, he will squeeze you out! and sponge, you shall be dry again~~

 

ROSE

i dont get it !! :0

 

HAMLET

ah well ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the sponge quote is too good to leave out


	16. 4.3

**4.3 – A new group chat between Claudius, Hamlet, Rose, and Gill. It doesn’t have a name.**

 

CLAUDIUS

Hamlet! Where are you?!

 

HAMLET

somewhere over the rainbow~

 

GILL

He wont tell us where polonius’s body is!

 

CLAUDIUS

Where is Polonius, Hamlet?

 

HAMLET

at supper

 

CLAUDIUS

Supper??

 

HAMLET

not where he eats

but where he’s eaten

by WORMS

y’know, if you think about it, worms just eat everyone in the end

a worm could eat a dead king, and a fish could eat that worm, and a beggar could eat that fish

 

CLAUDIUS

What do you mean??

 

HAMLET

ohh, just showing you how a king may go through the guts of a beggar ;)

 

CLAUDIUS

You little son of a bitch.

 

HAMLET

oh yes, my mom is certainly a bitch

 

CLAUDIUS

Where is Polonius?!

 

HAMLET

in heaven~~~

send someone to find him!

if you don’t, search in ~the other place~ yourself ;)

or if you don’t find him this…..month, you’ll begin to smell him in the lobby ;)))

 

CLAUDIUS

Aha! The lobby!

Hamlet, you have gone too far.

We’re sending you to England.

 

HAMLET

oh yay :)))))

well, bye mom!

 

CLAUDIUS

I’m your father.

 

HAMLET

nahhh

father + mother = husband + wife

husband + wife = one flesh

therefore

husband = wife

it’s basic mathematics :)

 

CLAUDIUS

Rose & Gill, go find Hamlet. Your plane leaves in six hours.

 

HAMLET

yayyy! come, for england!!1!

 

 

**An entry in Claudius’ journal.**

 

Dear diary,

Hamlet is off to England with R&G, where he’ll soon meet his death. R&G are carrying a letter commanding England’s government to kill Hamlet as soon as he gets there.

Come on, England. Cure me of the disease that is my son-in-law.


	17. 4.4

**4.4 – The draft of another Tumblr post of Hamlet’s, with all text beneath a cut.**

 

well, this is pretty shit

i’m on a plane with r&g

every minute we get farther away from denmark

that’s farther away from my chance to kill claudius!!

dammit.

when i get back to denmark—and i WILL get back to denmark—i will kill claudius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel bad about cutting fortinbras but i didn't really want to deal with that whole subplot :(


	18. 4.5

**4.5 – A chat between Horatio and Gertrude.**

 

HORATIO

please, your majesty. you need to speak with ophelia.

i think her father’s death has affected her in really horrible ways.

 

GERTRUDE

All right.

 

_ Horatio added Ophelia to the conversation. _

 

GERTRUDE

Ophelia? How are you?

 

OPHELIA

hello your beuteous majesty would you liek to hear a song

 

_ Ophelia sent a video. _

 

look its me singign

about my dad who died

 

GERTRUDE

Oh no, you look like you’ve been crying!

Why are you so dirty?

 

OPHELIA

no i havemore somgs if you like

 

_ Ophelia sent a video. _

 

GERTRUDE

Your singing is lovely.

I’m going to add the King to the chat, if you don’t mind.

 

_ Gertrude added Claudius to the conversation. _

_ Gertrude named the conversation “Let’s Help Ophelia”. _

 

Where are you?

 

OPHELIA

im byt the river,

 

CLAUDIUS

Ophelia?

I heard you’d gone a little bit… mad.

Like Hamlet.

 

OPHELIA

i am well

we know what we are but nots what we msy be

plsea listen to my songs

 

_ Ophelia sent a video. _

 

GERTRUDE

Is that one… about Hamlet?

That’s a bit inappropriate, Ophelia.

 

CLAUDIUS

Yes, you shouldn’t be singing about sexual encounters.

 

OPHELIA

i hope eveyrthing will be ok

btu i dont want them to lay him ni the cold ground

so cold

it is all sad

my brother laerts shell know a bout this

goodbye

 

CLAUDIUS

Oh dear…

She is obviously grieving her father’s death and Hamlet’s disappearance.

I also have some unpleasant news for you, Gertrude.

Ophelia mentioned Laertes—he is in fact in Denmark at this very moment.

I don’t think all the information he got about Polonius’ death is completely correct…

There are many rumors that I don’t like at all.

 

GERTRUDE

What is that pounding at the door?!

I’m in the main hall.

Can you hear shouting outside?

 

CLAUDIUS

Yes, I can hear it from my office!

 

HORATIO

so can i!

oh shit, there are a lot of people outside.

 

GERTRUDE

What’s that chanting?

“Laertes shall be king” ?!?

 

CLAUDIUS

I’m getting a text from Laertes…

Hold on.

 

 

**A chat between Claudius and Laertes.**

 

LAERTES

hello claudius

at this very moment, a shit ton of angry citizens from the towns around elsinore have surrounded the mansion

we have guns

i suggest you dont do anything to anger us.

 

CLAUDIUS

Laertes! Why are you doing this?

 

LAERTES

this is a revolution.

we think youre a shit king and we want to choose our own leader

the people have chosen me.

 

CLAUDIUS

Is this about your father’s death??

 

LAERTES

ABSOLUTELY.

we have weapons and are not afraid to use them!!!

 

CLAUDIUS

Whoa Laertes, let’s be calm about this!

 

LAERTES

if i were calm, i wouldnt be my father’s son!!

 

CLAUDIUS

Laertes! I didn’t kill your father.

You have nothing to fear from me.

 

LAERTES

how did he die then?!?

 

CLAUDIUS

First of all—why are you attacking all of Elsinore?

Surely you won’t harm the friends of Polonius.

 

LAERTES

ill feed his friends with the blood of my rebellion, and slaughter all his enemies!!

 

CLAUDIUS

All right.

Oh—Laertes!

Your sister wants to speak with you.

 

LAERTES

my sister???

ill call off my rebellion for a sec

but be warned!! we are still outside

 

 

**The “Let’s Help Ophelia” chat between Claudius, Gertrude, Ophelia, and Horatio.**

 

_ Claudius added Laertes to the conversation. _

 

OPHELIA

it is. my brother

 

LAERTES

ophelia??

whats going on?

 

GERTRUDE

Her mental health isn’t so great.

She’s been sending us videos of her singing…

She looks pretty sad and disheveled.

 

LAERTES

oh no...

 

OPHELIA

i have a song for you tooo

 

_ Ophelia sent a video. _

 

there is rosemary

thats for rememberace

and pansies for thouhgts

 

LAERTES

flowers??

 

OPHELIA

fennel for you and columbines

rue for you adn some ofr me

a daisy too

i would give you violets but they alll witherred when my father deied

 

LAERTES

do flowers have..

like

symbolic significance or something?

 

HORATIO

yeah. it seems like she’s “giving” certain flowers to specific people, but i can’t tell who. and of course, she has no actual flowers…

 

OPHELIA

here is another aong

 

_ Ophelia sent a video. _

 

he will not come agin

cannot choose but weep

this is a very nnice rive r

god be wi you

 

LAERTES

ophelia?

ophelia?!?

oh god

 

CLAUDIUS

I’m so sorry, Laertes. This is terrible.

I’ll make you a deal.

If you can prove that anyone here in Elsinore is responsible for the death of Polonius, then you can take my kingdom and my crown.

But if not, be patient, and hear my story.

 

LAERTES

fine.


	19. 4.6

**4.6 – A chat between Hamlet and Horatio.**

 

HAMLET

horatio!

 

HORATIO

!!

how are you??

i haven’t heard from you in days!

 

HAMLET

i’m fine

haven’t had much wifi though

and i don’t have international data coverage

gtg soon but quickly i’ll tell you—

there were some problems at the airport

enough problems that i was able to sneak away from r&g

they’re in the hands of the english government now

i’m about to board a plane back to denmark

oh shit gtg

seeya soon horatio <3

 

HORATIO

can’t wait!!


	20. 4.7

**4.7 – A chat between Claudius and Laertes.**

 

CLAUDIUS

Have you called off your army?

 

LAERTES

yeah,, it wasnt much of an army anyway

 

CLAUDIUS

So you know that Hamlet killed Polonius, not me.

 

LAERTES

yea.

but from what ive heard hamlet has been doing a lot of shit

why havent you done anything about him before?

 

CLAUDIUS

Partly because Gertrude didn’t want me to, and partly because many of Denmark’s citizens like Hamlet, and wouldn’t want to see him be punished.

Wait, I just got an e-mail from Hamlet.

All it says is, “I’m coming back ;)”

 

LAERTES

to elsinore???

well.

let him come.

at least i get to tell him that all of this is his fault

 

CLAUDIUS

It most certainly is.

So your plan is to get revenge?

 

LAERTES

yes!

 

CLAUDIUS

Hmmm.

We’ll have to figure out some sort of plot.

Ah… perhaps something to do with fencing!

 

LAERTES

fencing!

i love fencing

 

CLAUDIUS

So I’ve heard!

Apparently you are a very skilled fencer.

Hamlet’s quite jealous, TBH.

Now, Laertes.

What would you do to show yourself your father’s son in deed more than in words?

 

LAERTES

to cut his throat in the church.

 

CLAUDIUS

Wow

That’s a little… intense.

But sounds good.

Here’s the plan.

You challenge Hamlet to a fencing match—but with a sharpened sword.

 

LAERTES

*foil

 

CLAUDIUS

?

 

LAERTES

its called a foil

a fencing sword is a foil

anyway ive also got some poison we can put on the tip

poison thatll kill him >:)

 

CLAUDIUS

Very good!

I’ll also prepare a poisoned drink in case that fails.

 

LAERTES

good good

 

CLAUDIUS

Oh wait, Gertrude is texting me.

She wants to speak to you…

I’m going to add her to the chat.

 

_ Claudius added Gertrude to the conversation. _

 

GERTRUDE

Laertes

I don’t know how to break this to you but

Your sister has drowned.

 

LAERTES

what the fuck?!

where??

 

GERTRUDE

There’s a willow by the river where she took those videos of herself singing… she came with flower garlands of all different kinds and hung them around the tree. But as she was climbing, a branch broke, and she fell in. For a while she just floated on the water, singing, like nothing was wrong… but slowly the water pulled her down to her death.

 

LAERTES

oh my god

shit im gonna cry

cant cry

shes already had too much water ahhhh

and crying is. too feminine

but well

fuck.

my anger would gladly blaze on, but this news drowns out all feeling.

gtg

 

CLAUDIUS

Where are you going??

Don’t do anything rash! Remember, we have a plan!

Laertes?


	21. 5.1

**5.1 – A chat between Hamlet and Horatio.**

 

HAMLET

horatio!

i’ve got service again yasss

 

HORATIO

hamlet!! i’ve missed you. <3

where are you?

 

HAMLET

walking back from the train station

actually rn i’m walking through a graveyard

 

HORATIO

a… graveyard?

 

HAMLET

yeah it’s quite nice actually

wait there’s a guy digging a grave

singing loudly and obnoxiously

brb

 

HORATIO

are you gonna talk to him?

 

HAMLET

sure

wow that’s a lot of bones he’s digging up

wonder whose they were

 

HORATIO

who knows! could be anyone.

 

HAMLET

well this gravedigger fellow is a bit hard to talk with

makes a lot of puns

“who’s getting buried here?” “no man” “a woman?” “nah” “an nb person??” “nope” “um who then” “she was a woman but she’s dead now rip”

 

HORATIO

lol

 

HAMLET

well now we’re having an engrossing conversation on the nature of dead bodies

 

HORATIO

very nice.

 

HAMLET

eyyyy wait

 

_ Hamlet sent a photo. _

 

see this skull?

apparently it’s yorick’s skull!

 

HORATIO

yorick?

 

HAMLET

ah yeah you didn’t know him did you

he was my friend

a very funny fellow

it’s so weird to see him like this….just…..dead

no more jokes or games….. :(

well i guess we all die in the end huh

from the lowliest of beggars to the greatest of kings

 

HORATIO

i guess so…

 

HAMLET

holy shit

why is laertes here

why are the king and queen here what???

and a priest? and a coffin??

better hide

maybe they’re burying polonius

where’s ophelia

 

HORATIO

um… hamlet… about ophelia…

 

HAMLET

wait laertes is yelling at the priest

can’t hear what he’s saying but it doesn’t sound good

wow this is a pitiful excuse for a funeral

 

HORATIO

ahh, i think i might know why that is.

if a christian commits suicide, they won’t have a fancy burial.

 

HAMLET

holy SHIT

it’s ophelia

laertes said “my sister”

ophelia is dead?!!??

ahhHHHHH

 

HORATIO

yeah…

she went crazy and killed herself while you were gone…

i’m sorry i didn’t tell you before.

hamlet?

where’d you go?

 

 

**A chat between Hamlet and Laertes.**

 

HAMLET

what the fuck do you think you’re doing laertes

leaping into the grave like that

you should be ashamed of yourself

 

LAERTES

????

 

HAMLET

oh yes i forgot to mention

i’m back :)))

 

LAERTES

where are you??

 

HAMLET

close enough that i can see you

hahah yes i see you looking for me but you won’t find me

i’m hidden

 

LAERTES

go to hell.

where are you???

come out and fight me you coward!

 

HAMLET

shut up.

I LOVED OPHELIA.

MORE THAN YOU EVER COULD.

 

LAERTES

?????

 

HAMLET

and now you’re just leaping in her gave huh??

like that means you’re better than me??

WELL.

i can rant as much as you!!

 

LAERTES

you’re insane.

 

HAMLET

what??

laertes, why do you play with me like this?!

i loved you. i really did. and this is how you repay me.

gtg.

 

LAERTES

i dont know what you’re talking about.

hamlet??


	22. 5.2 (pt 1)

**5.2 – A chat between Hamlet and Horatio.**

 

HAMLET

so, it turns out, r&g had a letter from claudius telling the english government to kill me!

 

HORATIO

oh no!

 

HAMLET

fortunately i went through their luggage when they were asleep on the plane

found the letter

took out a new sheet of paper & a pen

and wrote a new letter!

telling england to execute the messengers!!

 

HORATIO

what?!

so… r&g are dead?

 

HAMLET

yup

 

HORATIO

don’t you feel bad? they were your friends once.

 

HAMLET

nah

they had it coming for them

 

HORATIO

if you say so…

 

HAMLET

and as for claudius—he’s gonna be dead pretty soon too

 

HORATIO

oh wow

 

HAMLET

don’t you think it’s just??

he killed my dad

had lots of sex w my mom

also he became king when my dad died, which makes no sense??

it should’ve been me

isn’t it perfectly reasonable to want him dead?

 

HORATIO

yeah, i guess so.

oh also! i meant to ask. what happened between you and laertes at the funeral?

 

HAMLET

we had… a bit of an argument

it actually got kinda out of hand

i said some stuff i regret

y’know… laertes and i aren’t really so different

we’re both sons seeking revenge for our dead fathers

wait someone’s texting me

i don’t know that number

hold on

 

 

**A chat between Hamlet and Osric.**

 

OSRIC

Hello!! This is Hamlet right?

 

HAMLET

um yeah it is

who are you?

 

OSRIC

My name is Osric!! I’m a courtier! :D

 

HAMLET

ohhh you

what do you want

 

OSRIC

I have a message from his majesty King Claudius!

 

HAMLET

why didn’t he just text me himself

 

OSRIC

He needs to set up for the fencing match! It’s going to be very exciting!

 

HAMLET

oh right the fencing match

that should be… fun

um

what’s your message?

 

OSRIC

First of all… Laertes has come back!!

 

HAMLET

yes i know that

 

OSRIC

He is the most amazing person I’ve ever met and I love him so much!! :D :D He’s very polite and has very good manners! He’s always nice to me too! Also he is very good at fencing and I love to watch him! He’s so handsome and elegant!

 

HAMLET

Oh my!! It sounds like someone’s a bit besotted!!

is there anything else?

 

OSRIC

Well, Laertes is going to fence with you!!

 

HAMLET

yup i know that too

 

OSRIC

He’s really an extraordinary fencer!! :D

 

HAMLET

yes you said that

 

OSRIC

The King has a bit of a bet going too!

Just tell me when you’re ready to come down!

 

HAMLET

k

 

 

**A chat between Hamlet and Horatio.**

 

HORATIO

who was it?

 

HAMLET

oh just this annoying courtier, osric

who has the world’s biggest crush on laertes

anyway, it’s fencing time!

 

HORATIO

hamlet… are you so sure you’ll win against laertes? i hear he’s a formidable opponent.

 

HAMLET

don’t worry i’ve been practicing

 

HORATIO

but what if you lose?

 

HAMLET

it’s just a friendly competition

 

HORATIO

i… really don’t think it is.

 

HAMLET

well

you’re right

i think it’s anything but friendly

i’m sure he has some sort of deadly trick up his sleeve

quite literally deadly

but w/e

 

HORATIO

hamlet! you don’t have to go! you can just say you’re sick. you can get out of it. we can end this without any spilt blood.

 

HAMLET

no no

my life is in the hands of fate now

let come what comes… the readiness is all.

 

HORATIO

no, hamlet—i won’t let you do this—i can’t let you risk your life for some petty argument!

please respond!

hamlet!!


	23. 5.2 (pt 2)

**A chat between Hamlet and Laertes.**

 

HAMLET

hey laertes

i’m really sorry about all that shit i pulled at ophelia’s funeral

that was my madness talking, not me

 

LAERTES

thanks for the apology.

you ready for the duel?

 

HAMLET

yeah! i’m coming rn

 

LAERTES

good

 

 

**Two Twitter liveblogs: one by Horatio (horatiyooo) and one by Osric (waterfly123)**

 

HORATIO

hello—for the next half hour i’m going to be liveblogging the fencing match between hamlet and laertes.

 

OSRIC

I’m going to help @horatiyooo liveblog Hamlet and Laertes’ fencing match!! I’m also the referee!!

 

HORATIO

hamlet & laertes have chosen their foils (courtesy of osric). fortunately laertes found one that fits his liking.

 

claudius has prepared a drink for hamlet if he wins. suspicious, but ok.

 

OSRIC

First round! Very exciting!!

 

A very palpable hit for Hamlet! 1-0.

 

And that’s another hit for Hamlet! 2-0! Come on, Laertes!

 

HORATIO

despite a warning from claudius, queen gertrude just drunk from the cup that was meant for hamlet…

 

OSRIC

Hamlet has angered Laertes! They’re fighting again!!

 

And that’s a touch for Laertes!! 2-1! But wait—did that hit draw blood from Hamlet?!?

 

HORATIO

holy shit hamlet’s bleeding… but they’re still fighting….

 

OSRIC

Hamlet took Laertes’ foil and stabbed him with it!! Now Laertes is bleeding too!! Oh no!!!

 

HORATIO

gertrude just… fainted??

 

osric has abandoned his liveblog to rush over to laertes’ side. guess i’m the only one now.

 

“I am justly killed with my own treachery” — laertes

 

gertrude is… dead. that cup was full of poison. hamlet looks like he’s about to cry.

 

oh god laertes just said the point on his foil was poisoned… that means that hamlet and laertes are both… going to die….

 

“the king’s to blame” — laertes

 

hamlet just stabbed claudius with the poisoned foil! now he’s pouring the rest of the cup poison down his throat omfg

 

“incestuous, murderous, damned dane” — hamlet (about claudius)

 

claudius is dead. hamlet looks so relieved.

 

ahh laertes is dying and osric is sobbing his eyes out… hamlet looks anguished as well. i can’t believe it…

 

hamlet forgave laertes for everything that he did. now laertes is dead. aaaahhhh

 

oh my god hamlet is dying i’m afraid i have to abandon this liveblog

 

 

**A blog post by Horatio.**

 

I’m sorry to everyone reading my liveblog yesterday. That didn’t go quite how I expected. But I suppose I owe you all the end of the story.

The conversation that took place between me and Hamlet went something like this:

 

Hamlet: Horatio… I’m dying. Swear to me you’ll tell my story, okay?

Me: No! I can’t do it. I can’t live in a world without you. Look, here’s some more poison left!

Hamlet: (grabbing the cup and smashing it against the wall) I won’t let you die too, Horatio! Please. Just tell my story. That’s my only request. Use the screenshots from our chats and stuff. People have to know how this all happened. Promise me.

Me: (in tears) I will! I promise!

Hamlet: Thank you. I love you. Seeya, Horatio. The rest is silence…

 

I’m not sure what he meant by that last sentence… but… that’s when he died.

Then this dude called Fortinbras turned up like five minutes later, but that’s a whole nother story.

What I’ve decided to do is compile screenshots of every text conversation that’s happened between now and when I first saw the ghost. I have to use texts, because 1. almost all of the important things happened over text for some reason, and 2. I don’t remember many of the irl conversations word-for-word. I know Hamlet’s laptop password, so I should be able to find all his chats. As for everyone else… well, I know where Hamlet stored all of their phone passcodes. (Don’t ask me why or how he knew them.)

I think this project will help distract me from the reality of all the deaths, and hopefully ward away the feelings of loneliness and hopelessness already starting to sink in.

So, I present to you—the life and death of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark: in texts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end!! if you read this far, i appreciate you so much <3  
> (don't forget to leave a comment!)


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